>(John is in Starbucks tutoring a rich Chinese girl, “Rachel”, in English)

Teach me some bad words, demanded Rachel the next morning.

John had ordered her a frappucino which she slurped eagerly. He dug into a chocolate muffin and a piece hung on his fork. A chip fell and bounced across the table and tumbled out onto the floor.

You want to know some bad words?

Yeah! I want to know the real English!

Well, bad words aren’t exactly real English. Real English is how two native speakers talk to each other in various settings, and the English itself that they speak varies from setting to setting.

I want to know bad words.

He ate the piece and tapped the fork against his plate. Well, there’s the word shit. Do you know that one?

Shit. I know that one already. Teach me a new one.

There’s bitch.

Bitch, she enunciated the word. Bitch. What does that mean?

It’s used to describe a mean woman.

Bitch. Like, my mom.

Well I don’t know.

My mom is a real bitch. Is that right?

The sentence is correct, yes.

Yeah! She made the V sign and gripped her frappucino. She never buys me Starbucks or McDonald’s.

McDonald’s is not good for you.

She ignored this. Give me another bad word.

Let’s see. There’s damn.

Damn.

Yes. It means..well, you use it when something doesn’t go right. When you’re upset at something. You say damn.

Boring, she said. Give me an interesting one.

Asshole.

Asshole, she said and pondered the word’s meaning. Then she twisted her lips and tsked. That’s so disgusting! Why did you say that?

You asked for

Ugh. That’s really nasty.

He took another bite of his muffin and washed it down with coffee. The caffeine wasn’t strong enough for this. He’d have to order another.

Excuse me while I

Why can’t you speak Chinese?

He had gotten this question many times. It all came down to the simple fact that he’d never put forth the time to learn it. Beyond a few basic words and phrases, he didn’t need to. He had his girlfriend. He had his students. But to explain it to her in that way…

I never learned it.

Why?

I just… I never did.

Yeah. Why?

He lifted his coffee cup and said over the top of it, Why don’t you teach me some?

Some Chinese? Like what?

Oh, he said after his drink. Teach me some bad words.

She looked at him in disgust. Why?

Because…they’re interesting, like the bad words in English.

Bad words are not good, she said and slurped her frappucino

>After my apartment was vandalized, I got to meet with the student to whom Senior Laowai sent my columns and whom he manipulated into attacking me.

Senior Laowai exploited her worldview of Divine Chinese versus The Hellish Hordes of Humiliation to drive her to cull from my columns only what reinforced her preset beliefs: that I am racist and discriminatory against China. And this occurs only in her limited understanding of English.

Needless to say, the results were…interesting.

Her: You said Starbucks is upper class!

Me: Yeah…

Her: Ugh. But you said most Chinese people can’t afford it!

Me: Okay…

Her: You can afford to go to Starbucks. You must think you’re better than us.

If you’re a toxic enough prick to FUCKING TELL YOUR STUDENTS that another teacher hates them and abuse their trust of you for your own personal gain, this is what happens. Since they trust you, they will go to great lengths to prove you right and will basically defend you, even in the face of solid evidence.

They will sacrifice themselves on the altar of dignity to prove you right, and you, knowing full well what you’re doing, sit back and let them. Just to score a victory in the battle of Wounded Ego.

So who’s really racist against the Chinese?

I did manage to settle the issue with the student. A few days later, I’m walking down the street to the bus stop and some girl calls my name.

It’s her.

Student: Hi. It’s so early. Where are you going?

Me: (without thinking) Starbucks.

…Oh….shit…

>I am currently redoing my resume to make it more attractive, i.e. following my friend’s copy and… enhancing certain activities.

I understand that resumes contain a fair amount of bullshit, but the following blows my mind. She is describing her tenure as an oral English teacher in China:

Professor
      [school name]
      [city and province] China
      May 1, 2009- Present

I tried to do the same. I mean, I really tried. But my fingers simply could not type the correct letters. It’s like that scene from Liar Liar when Jim Carrey is holding up the pen and trying to say it’s red.

The fucking thing is blue. And I was fucking oral English teacher.

The “teacher” part being the most lethal bullshit I can stand to type.

>With the exception of a few miserable castoffs, the Chinese by and large are not hostile towards foreigners.

When you pass a local in the street, they may speak an English word to you. Often what they say to you is the limit of their English knowledge, and quite often that limit extends only to Hello.

On occasion I hear other things. I’ve gotten hello, how are you, good morning, and jerk ass, the latter in written form only.

Then one day Patricia and I were walking through the backstreet and a man passed us. He spotted me and uttered ‘Hello’. Hello. Such a simple word, so easy to learn. As we passed, I could tell he was fumbling for other words, searching his database for what other English phrases he might have learned.

He found one.

‘I love you.’

Patricia gasped. She was right to.

You may have some competition, baobei.

>My battles againt the Great Firewall of China. The Great Wall kept out the evil hordes. Shall the Great Firewall keep them out as well, weilding their vicious wordpress blogs with 2 readers a month, both of whom subsist on a diet of stale milk and old cheese?

Let us see…

WordPress is blocked.

Great Firewall: 1
Dancing Laowai: 0

No fear. Blogspot is up.

Great Firewall: 1
Dancing Laowai: 1

There goes Blogspot. Great Firewall breaks the tie.

Great Firewall: 2
Dancing Laowai: 1

But wait, what’s this? The Dancing Laowai has found a proxy!

Great Firewall: 2
Dancing Laowai: 2

Tie game! What will the Great Firewall’s next move be?

Blogspot blocked. Proxy blocked.

Great Firewall: 4
Dancing Laowai: 2

Uh-oh. The one and only Dancing Laowai is in trouble. He’s reeling folks…

Google’s gone.

Great Firewall: 5
Dancing Laowai: 2

He nearly down. FINISH HIM!

A narcissitic scar! Facebook and Twitter are gone!

Great Firewall: 6
Dancing Laowai: 2

FATALITY. The Great Firewall Wins. That was pathetic.