Category: Chronicles of the Dancing Laowai

From September 2008 – January 2011

>Frowny Face

TL1138

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It’s no secret there’s a lot of self-loathing among the foreigners here, particularly the older ones. As a general rule of thumb, the shittier the school, the more self-loathing, the more miserable the older foreigners will be.

Some are self-deprecating, which is okay. Self-deprecation shows you know how to laugh at yourself, and if you can’t laugh at yourself, then you can’t handle anyone laughing at you. And if you can’t handle that…

Then you might end up in this exchange:

Foreign teacher: Go to America? Why the fuck would anybody want to do that?

Me: Oh. Have you been before?

Foreign teacher: Hell no!

Oh…well that’s a relief. You see, for a second there, I thought maybe you were basing your comment on some sort of insecure, asinine reason…

There is a very simple way to tell which one somebody is using:

With self-deprecation, you smile.

With self-loathing, you frown.

So if I were you, I’d try to turn that frown upside down.

>How not to sell to an American

TL1138

>There’s an attraction at this university which brings all manners of spectators, and with them, pining for their kuai, all manners of merchants.

I was walking back from the gym when I came upon the sketch artists. I got calls in Chinese, gestures. One guy actually bothered to say hello.

“Hello!”

I turned. He had a collection of sketches. Chinese celebrities. Kim Jung-Il.

And Osama Bin Laden.

I started to go.

“Hello!” he called again, this time pointing at the Bin Laden picture. “Bin Laden! Bin Laden!”

Somehow, this didn’t bring out the compulsive buyer in me.

>Rhino Shit (not a gratuitous title)

TL1138

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If you’re new to China’s ESL Industry, you can’t go wrong with Middle Kingdom Life. Well I mean, you can, but it’s a lot better than what’s out there. At least they’re trying to present a fair picture. It’s effort, and in this case, I give them an A for it.

Dave’s ESL Café Forums gets an F. Minus.

If you do take a look, you can safely take most of what you find there with a grain of salt. In fact, I’d personally say to take everything you find on those forums with a grain of salt because after enough time of lurking there, you will come to believe that by merely stepping outside you risk being impaled on a stake by a mob of kung fu trained, angry young nationalists.

“But what of the good stuff? It can’t all be bad. right!?”, I hear someone calling.

Yeah…but look at it like this: let’s say you have a mound of rhino shit. A big 60 ft pile. Of rhino shit. You know that somewhere inside there are a couple valuable diamonds. Would you be willing to sift through it with your bare hands just to find two diamonds? Especially when you know you can find those same diamonds elsewhere for free, clean and spotless?

I don’t remember who said “believe little of what you see, none of what you hear”, but it really applies to China ESL websites. As a good rule of thumb, question anyone who tells you that the city they want you to come teach in is a “real” Chinese city. Usually what they mean is that foreigners are scarce.

But foreigners like them are the norm. So, steer clear.